Introduction
I, the narrator and protagonist throughout this text, solicit and beseech the reader to hear me out with the intent of eliciting a chuckle or two.

The Fruit of Their Loins
A young man sees me, likes what he sees, and stages a meeting at a mutual friend’s apartment.

First Encounter
All efforts in preparing for my first meeting with my future Out-Laws prove in vain because I am greeted with an itemized barrage of shortfalls.

Wedding Plans
My Out-Laws monopolize the guest list and control every other aspect of the wedding plans, down to the undergarment I am expected to wear to enhance my figure.

Kissing Other Men
My Out-Laws call me a loose woman and attempt to cancel the wedding because I am seen kissing a couple of male friends on their cheeks.

Day of the Wedding
I feel confident that my Out-Laws will leave me alone on this day of all days and I feel like royalty.

The Wedding Ceremony
The two sets of parents, my soon-to-be husband and I meet under the ceremonial canopy for an exchange of vows and the first kiss as a married couple.

Happiest Day of My Life
I am shocked into a stupor by my Out-Laws’ unexpected outburst and end up watching the festivities of my own wedding from the sidelines.

Wedding Gifts
My Out-Laws come home with us after the wedding and proceed to open our gifts when I discover that we were forced to pay for the wedding with the gift checks.

The Morning After
We arrange a strategically bled nuptial bed for my Out-Laws’ inevitable inspection and pass the test.

Honeymoon
My Out-Laws plan our twenty-four-hour honeymoon with the expenses left for us to handle whether we can afford them or not.

A Cooking Lesson
In spite of my husband’s, the fruit of their loins’ …, assurance that I feed him well, mother Out-Law insists on giving me a cooking lesson.

Small Towns
We all live in a small town where everyone knows everyone’s business down to the smallest details.

Dinner Guests
We are entertaining a few dinner guests when my Out-Laws barge in with a torrent of complaints and criticisms.

Coffee and Cake
My Out-Laws demand coffee and cake with each of their daily visits and I oblige with my best recipes served on my favorite dishes.

Inspections
My Out-Laws’ visits include thorough inspections and I make sure that they are not disappointed.

Lifesaving Advice
My Out-Laws accuse me of wanting them dead because, in a moment of weakness, I advise them to call 9-1-1 in case of an emergency.

Congratulations
A stranger congratulates me and I discover that everyone knows that I am pregnant before I do.

Counting
My Out-Laws suspect premarital relations and calculate and recalculate the probability of our crimes.

Pregnancy
My Out-Laws predict a boy with a full head of hair but I deliver a hairless girl and they accuse me of deceit.

Puppy Dog
My Out-Laws dislike animals and object to the puppy we adopt by reminding me that I am pregnant.

Delivery
Once their grandchild is delivered, my Out-Laws attempt to bully the entire hospital staff to cater to their will.

Family Photos
My child and I leave the hospital and my Out-Laws appear for a full-length photo shoot from which I am completely excluded.

Teething
Blame for the child’s late teething is shifted from my defective genes to parental misguidance.

Chink Chink
While feeding my child, I misinterpret a clicking sound for the spoon hitting a long awaited tooth.

High Fever
I leave my child with my Out-Laws and join the working class but upon returning home I find the baby feverish and learn that her symptoms have not been addressed.

Diapers
My Out-Laws take care of our child while I’m at work and what transpires during that time could only be surmised by a few troubling telltale signs.

A Cure Out-Law Style
I espouse home remedies but draw the line when I hear my Out-Laws’ suggested cure for a sty on my child’s eye.

Lunch
My Out-Laws are unable to manage or control our child long enough to sit her down for a feeding.

The Bath
Attempts at bathing are abandoned because my Out-Laws are unable to adjust the water temperature to suit the child.

Dressing
Fitting the child with a fresh diaper proves to be a difficult ordeal and dressing her in stained outfits is an embarrassment. So, a naked child is returned to my charge.

Trickery
My toddler innocently reveals that I have been tricking my Out-Laws and they are obviously very displeased.

Alms for the Poor
My Out-Laws display envy of the fine treatment our town’s beggars get and insist that the roles should be reversed—that the beggars should be helping them.

Pooh, Pooh, Pooh
My Out-Laws are superstitious and believe that dry, unproductive spitting that involves rapid pooh, pooh, pooh sounds but no saliva frightens evil spirits.

Abduction
Child abduction is a terrible crime but understandable when stemming from a need although unforgivable when perpetrated by my Out-Laws out of a sense of being entitled.

An Only Child
I hate being the only child and I am jealous of those who have siblings and who are in turn jealous of me for having none.

Second Child
My second pregnancy seems to pass much faster than the first because my symptoms are milder, I am busy working and taking care of a toddler.

Breast Feeding
Our toddler sees me breast feeding her baby sister and thinks that the baby is eating mommy.

Too Much Reading
My Out-Laws believe that reading causes blindness and have evidence to prove their assertions.

Punishment
I am admitted into a nearby hospital with a grave neurological condition. My Out-Laws think I am faking and later declare that this is a well-deserved punishment.

Convalescing
My Out-Laws are asked to look in on me during convalescence and waste no time in meticulously rearranging and reorganizing my entire household.

Ears
My Out-Laws’ obsession with ears begins with the familial auditory organs and extends to the population at large.

Morning Scores
It matters little to my Out-Laws what they compete for or against whom as long as they come out the winners.

Red
I decorate my home in shades of red and am accused of being a Communist and a bad influence on my children.

Cooing
Thanks to my Out-Laws’ grim assessment I cease cooing over babies although old habits are hard to break.

Preparations
My Out-Laws never fail to invite us for holiday dinners and I painstakingly prepare everyone for these occasions.

The Holiday Dinner
We arrive on time but find mother Out-Law home alone and the anticipated holiday dinner is reduced to a few pieces of cold-cuts and sliced bread.

Electric Sockets
My children are not allowed to play near or around electric sockets but my Out-Laws allow it when I am not looking.

Lights Off
With no consideration of consequences, my Out-Laws obsessively turn off lights wherever and whenever they see them on just because they can.

My Parents
My very gentle, refined and quiet parents explode with anger when they discover that my Out-Laws speak ill of me, their daughter.

Kinky Thoughts
My Out-Laws hate my hair because they believe that the curls are a testimonial to my mother’s kinky thoughts during pregnancy.

Catharsis
As a way of releasing tension from the daily encounters with my Out-Laws, I turn to food as the drug of my choice—albeit vegan food.

The Balcony
The children are not allowed to climb the balcony railing but my Out-Laws help them break the house-rules when I am away.

Raw Food
My Out-Laws are angry that the girls prefer eating fruits and vegetables over the donuts they bring.

Personal Hygiene
Saliva is my Out-Laws’ most often used cleanser and cure-all and they are annoyed at my expression of disgust.

Accidents
As a result of my Out-Laws’ hunch that my girls may have broke their virginity when crashing their tricycles, I destroy the three-wheelers.

Orthopedic Shoes
My Out-Laws accuse me of being an incompetent mother for allowing my children to wear open- toed sandals.

Smoking
Father Out-Law smokes incessantly and absent mindedly stubs his butts just about everywhere.

Confusion
Due to my laundry mishaps, my Out-Laws accuse me of endangering the gender identities of their son and granddaughters.

Third Child
My Out-Laws attempt to convince us to have a third child who, they are certain, will be a boy.

Rice vs. Porridge
In desperation to get the girls to vary their menu and at mother Out-Law’s prompting, I attempt to deceive the girls at mealtime.

Chewing Gum
The girls like chewing gum and my Out-Laws accuse them of looking like cows that chew their cud.

The Picnic
This had the making of a perfect picnic if only we had disobeyed my Out-Laws’ edicts and brought some food along.

The Museum
Encouraged by my Out-Laws, the girls summersault right into a priceless statue in a museum and smash it to pieces.

Air
My Out-Laws never open windows in their own home therefore they disapprove of the perpetually open windows in our home.

Cold Drinks
My Out-Laws believe that cold drinks are the cause for many ailments and are horrified that we allow the girls to drink them.

Backseat Drivers
My Out-Laws are the ultimate backseat drivers who torment the driver, whoever he or she may be, with never-ending directives.

Gifts For My Out-Laws
I have never presented a gift to my Out-Laws that they were even mildly pleased with but not for lack of trying.

Gifts From My Out-Laws
In all the years of our relationship, my Out-Laws never gave me gifts although there was one fruitless attempt.

Natural Disasters
A nightmare leads me to seek a book on natural disasters at the local public library and the librarian shares my sentiments about in-laws.

The Last Encounter
My Out-Laws proclaim that their son is not the father of my children. Consequently, I shove them out of our home and lock the door behind them.

So Long and Farewell
I bid my readers farewell with the hope that they enjoyed the narratives of this text and invite them to meet me in my next book.